Guilt and loss

One ironic thing I found about early grief, I desired an end to the intense pain of grief, but at the same time I felt on another level a lack of pain would mean that I would forget about my child. I also think that on another level that I some how deserved the pain because I had failed as a parent since my child died. This mind set was not conducive for healing. It was not until I was able to admit to myself that there was nothing that I could have done to save Kaitlyn's life. I also had to come to terms with the fact that lack of pain did not mean you loved your child any less, and being in this pain was not going to bring her back. If I was going to continue my relationship with her on a spiritual plain, It would take me getting myself to a better place spiritually and psychologically.