How can I help?

I said in a previous post that I wanted to do a post about the best ways to help a grieving parent. This list of ideas has been compiled from things I have read, experienced myself, and have heard from other grieving parents. I will start off with the things that are not helpful and end with the things I think are most helpful.
 
DON'T

• Don't say things like: I know how you must feel (You have know idea how it feels unless you have lost a child yourself). God must have needed her in Heaven, or Heaven has gained a beautiful angel. Although the intent is good it is not helpful when all the parent wants is to have their child back with them, and they are probably conflicted about why God would allow this to happen to them in the first place.
• Don't compare your losses with their losses. People would say things like I lost my mother, or grandmother and in one case their pet. I'm not trying to discredit the grief people suffer from these losses, but people who lose a child feel their loss is the worst thing imaginable, and comparing it to other losses just seems to cheapen the pain of the grief they are experiencing. I don't think comparing losses is ever helpful, as the grieving person always thinks their loss is the worst, and they are right in feeling that way.
• Don't say things like you are fortunate that you have other children, or your young enough that you could have another child. While these statements might be true, they are far from helpful. I recall someone saying this to my wife, and she told me she wanted to say to the person, which of your children would you like to give up for the rest of your life?
• Don't say things like you need to get over this, or you need to move on. I think people say these things because it makes them uncomfortable to see the grieving parent suffer so much. The grieving parent will never "get over it", but with time and help they can begin to heal over time. There is no time table for this healing and each parent grieves and heals differently.
• Don't say things like How are you doing? The grieving person is most likely to tell you something like OK, or taking things one day at a time, when inside they are saying I don't know how I will survive this day.
• Don't say things like What can I do? The grieving parent is often so consumed by grief they don't know what to say or what you could actually do to help.
• Don't forget about them. I have had parents tell me that people who were their friends for years stop calling or coming around. I think that this happens because people are uncomfortable around grieving parents and they don't know what to say or do, but the grieving parent takes this as you don't care about them any more.

DO

• To be honest there is nothing that you can say that will take the pain away from a grieving parent no matter how much you want to make them feel better. Sometimes just a hug or shoulder to cry on is enough. If you feel you need to say something, maybe something like I can't imagine what you must be feeling.
• Do sit down and take the time to talk with the grieving parent about their child and share memories you may have of their child. Sure it is bound to cause the grieving parent to cry, but it will not make them feel any worse than they already do, and it may even bring them some relief. A grieving parent often feels that that their child will be forgotten, any memories shared are helpful in showing them they will not be forgotten and tend to validate their child's importance in other people's lives as well as their own.
• Instead of saying How are you doing? Maybe say something like: I can't imagine what you are going through it must be terribly painful. This tells the parent that it is okay to talk about the pain they are experiencing. It says I really do care about how your feeling, and I am willing to take the time and listen to what you have to say.
• Instead of saying How can I help?, maybe offer to do something specific for them. For example, Can I bring dinner over tonight? This allows the grieving parent to say yes or no instead of trying to come up with something for you to do to help.
• Try to come up with ways that you can honor the memory of their child. Get rubber wrist bands with their child's name and wear them. If you are Catholic, have a Mass said in memory of the child. Plan a get together on the child's birthday or "angel"versary (the day the child died) to share memories. Help the parents plant a butterfly garden in memory of the child. These are just a few ideas but think of your own creative ideas. Please feel free to share some of the things that you might have done.

I hope this was helpful for those who know a grieving parent and want to try to help them. As always please provide any ideas you might want me to talk about, or share your own experiences. I would really appreciate any feed back I can get to know if you find this blog helpful or not.