Ideas for Re-Membering

In my last post I suggested that an important aspect of healing after the death of your child is Re-membering, or making sure that you maintain that loving bond you still have with your child on a spiritual basis. Although you may not be able to see them physically, the loving bond you have with them is not destroyed by death. I believe that we can still connect with our children spiritually in the following ways:

1.  Being grateful for the time you had with them here.
2. Honoring the life that they had here.
3. Finding ways to connect with them now.

I think being grateful for the time that they were here is probably the hardest of the three ways. I think it is hardest because it requires us to look back on our child's life which also stirs up an intense longing to have things back they way they were. When a child dies a parent suffers two losses. The first being the physical nature of the child and all that goes with it like the hugs, and hearing them say I love you, but the second is the loss of the future expectations such as graduations, weddings, grandchildren, etc. In the early stages of grief, I think it almost seems impossible that you could ever find ways to be grateful, but with time you find ways to share stories of their lives. Look at old photos and remember what joy they brought to your life. This can be bittersweet and tears are sure to flow, but the tears are necessary for us to begin to heal this painful wound.

Honoring their lives is probably the easiest of the three. It probably is the most satisfying personally as well as making you feel good about your child. We were fortunate that when Kaitlyn died someone approached us and wanted to provide a college scholarship for students at her high school in her name. Also her friend's raised money to put a memorial in front of her school in her honor. The principal of her high school let us attend what would have been her graduation, and gave us her diploma posthumously. These things make you feel a sense of joy knowing people thought so much about your child. I wish every parent would have the fortune that we had, but many parents do not, but there are things that you can do personally to honor your child.

You can volunteer to do something in the community to help others while honoring your child's legacy. I for example began volunteering to help with my church's funeral ministry as a way of giving back while attempting to maybe bring comfort to others who are just beginning their grief journey. You can take up a cause in memory of your child's legacy. You could plant a butterfly garden or a tree in their honor. You could plan an event in their honor such as a butterfly release at one of your child's favorite places. You take a trip that you always wanted to take with your child in their honor. These are just a few of the ways you can honor the memory of your child and for me personally helped me to begin to heal.

Finding ways to connect with your child now can be a difficult one depending on your views on this matter. I think it is the most important of the three because I feel that parents who are unable to do this have the most trouble moving forward. I think they have a greater chance of getting stuck in their grief. As painful as it maybe sometimes, I think it is important to do things that help us remember that they are still here with us just in a different form. Just a few ideas for keeping the bond with your child that people have shared with me and some I have tried are as follows:

1. Make a quilt or have one made out of pieces of your child's clothes. You can wrap this around you when you are thinking about your child.
2. Listen to music your child enjoyed. I do this while I go running and talk with her as I am running.
3. Keep a daily journal by writing letters to your child letting them know how you are feeling and anything else you might want to tell them.
4. Some people get a tatoo in memory of their child so they feel as if they have them with them daily.
5. Some wear a wristband or a piece of their child's jewelry etc. to carry their child with them.
6. Some people have consulted a medium to try and reconnect with their child.
7. Ask them for signs that they are still with you.

You need to find whatever works for you and gives you the most comfort. Please feel free to share in the comments other ways that you have found to connect with or honor your children.