the worst pain

​I'm convinced that the worst pain one can ever experience is the death of your child. The pain that a parent experiences and the persistence of the pain is undescribable. I think there are many obvious reasons for the intensity of this pain, but I have 4 primary reasons it hurts so much for so long.

1. It is not in accordance with the way that we understand life. It is not in the natural order of things for a parent to outlive their child. I don't think that there is a loving parent alive that even has entertained a thought that they will lose  their child. You take it for granted that you will always have your children with you. Even if you hear about the death of a child, your mind won't let you think about that being your child. Even if it enters your mind briefly, you immediately push it away, thinking it will never happen to you. Since parents are in denial that it will ever happen to them, It is a complete shock to their mind and body when it does happen to them. The mind and body cannot effectively process that this is actually happening to them. It sends them spiraling down into a horrible place from which they think there is no escape.
2. The love bond between a parent and child is probably one of the strongest that exist in nature. After all your child was literally created from a part of you. As a result of this bond, a parent will do anything to protect their child. So when their child dies, two things happen to a parent. The first is that a part of them dies as well. They must deal with the loss of their child as well as the part of them that died with their child. The depth of this grief is inversely proportionate to the love they have for their child. So much love unfortunately, equals so much pain. The other thing that a parent experiences is guilt. Even if there was nothing they good have done to prevent the child's death, thoughts of what if I could have done this or that to intervene in some way this would have never happened. This is the protective part of the parent coming out. Unfortunately, it often leads to parents feeling that they were not good enough. In reality, it is just the intense desire to want to do anything they can to bring their child back.
3. When your child dies you not only grieve for your child, you grieve the loss of the dreams that you had for your child. The graduations from high school and college, future wedding plans, grandchildren, future vacations together have all died as well. You have had these dreams since  your child was born or even before, and the pain of losing your child as well as all of the things you hoped to be able to share with them is almost too painful to endure.
4. The final thing is the constant reminders of all of the above. Every time you see people sharing on social media their child's accomplishments, it is like tearing off the scab of a wound. Thoughts of why couldn't that be my child arise, and to be honest feelings of jealously often arise. Although we would never wish this pain on anyone, the thoughts do arise as to why does their child get to experience those things and mine does not. These are unpleasant feelings that only add to the pain of the grief.

 Although the pain can seem unbearable at times, you can heal. Many people use the term finding the new normal. I don't really like that term. I would rather say finding ways of reconnecting with your child. The new normal makes it sound like you are leaving your child behind. I have not talked with any parent that has healed who does not find ways to reconnect with their child in some way. Finding rituals to do in memory of your child help bind them to you and help you to maintain your connection to them. I believe without this connection you lose hope and you will not heal. Please let me know your thoughts on this topic.